soul shattering

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Losing a child has been described as a “soul shattering nightmare.”  It actually feels like a war.  I’m fighting to gather back every piece myself… all of those bits that flew in a million different directions.   I need those because I’m trying to put myself back together.

Just after he died, sweet memories of my son comforted me.  But they cut much too deeply – like jagged-edged jewels.  Over time, they’ve become easier to look at and hold close.  

There are days when I can’t find the memories, hear his voice, or see his face.  Other days, there are no words – all I can manage is to sit and stare.  It is comforting, but a bit startling to look up, see darkness and realize that 6 hours passed.

lyrics to a song by Sara Bareilles perfectly captures these feelings: 

“No words, My tears won’t make any room for more, And it don’t hurt like anything I’ve ever felt before, this is no broken heart, No familiar scars, This territory goes uncharted…

Each day, countin’ up the minutes, till I get alone, ’cause I can’t stay In the middle of it all, it’s nobody’s fault, but I’m so low, never knew how much I didn’t know,  Oh, everything is uncharted.  I know I’m getting nowhere, when I only sit and stare like…I’m going down..”    Uncharted by Sara Bareilles

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