the past –
Many of us can’t understand where God is when bad things happen. Growing up, death was brutal and shocking: I lost two brothers and a sister – – each death was unfathomable to my parents, and devastating to me. When my sister lost her little girl in a highway accident, people said things like, “God needs another angel in heaven.” And I wondered how a loving God could inflict so much pain.
It wasn’t until doctors discovered my grandmother’s cancer (and we had a week to say goodbye) that I experienced the natural cycle of life and death. But for years, I kept looking over my shoulder wondering who would be next.
Then I began to heal. I had been so focused on just getting through, that I was unaware of how deeply these losses changed me. I became softer and more sensitized to others’ suffering. I even got a little cocky and thought, “How could God possibly strike this family again? We’ve been broken, and we’ve endured enough.”
When my niece died, I tried so hard to walk with (and even carry) my sister through that awful time. I was so much a part of her grieving, that I thought I understood what it felt like to lose a child. As if I could…..
the present –
Away on vacation, and sound asleep; my cell phone wakes me. A stranger is trying to help me understand what he is saying “head-on collision, red Miata, no seat belt….” The conversation is long, circular, and repetitive because I just can’t take it. Listening to my half of the conversation, my husband grasps it before I do. When he cries out, I finally understand that my son is dead.
why this blog?
My son died, and I’m trying desperately to find my way out of this. The hardest part has been not knowing what to expect, and trying to figure out how to make it to the next day. Some resources have been helpful; others not so much. Those who have already lost a child have been a lifeline; and God has carried me.
So, this blog isn’t my story, and it isn’t my son’s story. These are breadcrumbs…….. for the next mother who has to bury her child.