Why This Blog?

the past –

Many of us can’t understand where God is when bad things happen. Growing up, death was brutal and shocking: I lost two brothers and a sister – – each death was unfathomable to my parents, and devastating to me. When my sister lost her little girl in a highway accident, people said things like, “God needs another angel in heaven.”  And I wondered how a loving God could inflict so much pain. 

It wasn’t until  doctors discovered my grandmother’s cancer (and we had a week to say goodbye) that I experienced the natural cycle of life and death.  But for years, I kept looking over my shoulder wondering who would be next.  

Then I began to heal.  I had been so focused on just getting through, that I was unaware of how deeply these losses changed me. I became softer and more sensitized to others’ suffering.  I even got a little cocky and thought, “How could God possibly strike this family again? We’ve been broken, and we’ve endured enough.”

When my niece died, I tried so hard to walk with (and even carry) my sister through that awful time.  I was so much a part of her grieving, that I thought I understood what it felt like to lose a child.  As if I could…..

the present –

Away on vacation, and sound asleep; my cell phone wakes me.  A stranger is trying to help me understand what he is saying “head-on collision, red Miata, no seat belt….”  The conversation is long, circular, and repetitive because I just can’t take it. Listening to my half of the conversation, my husband grasps it before I do. When he cries out, I finally understand that my son is dead.

why this blog? 

My son died, and I’m trying desperately to find my way out of this.  The hardest part has been not knowing what to expect, and trying to figure out how to make it to the next day.  Some resources have been helpful; others not so much.  Those who have already lost a child have been a lifeline; and God has carried me.

So, this blog isn’t my story, and it isn’t my son’s story.   These are breadcrumbs…….. for the next mother who has to bury her child.


7 thoughts on “Why This Blog?

  1. My friend, your words written here are your music, your voice that sometimes is like a Janis Joplin kind of screaming and other times a bit bluesy. Just keep using your voice. Be what you are and who your are in any given moment because that is all you can be. You are loved.

  2. In the past three years I have lost my grandmother; my father; my best friend; a cousin, his son and two children and 3 friends of 20 off years. Then my precious daughter died 131 days ago. Nothing could have prepared me for the death of my child. There is no pain that can compare to the loss of a child. Hugs to you on your journey of healing. Only a bereaved mother can understand another mother’s pain and loss.

  3. For me and for the twelve other mothers in my writing group, writing has been one of the lifelines to help us grieve the losses of our children–fourteen among us–and we are all from different ages and stages in life. We keep writing because it contributes to our healing. I hope writing continues to be a balm in your journey too.

  4. No one can understand the pain you are feeling. I hope that writing this blog will help you and other mom’s find a little comfort, and know that they are not alone.

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