In many ways, things were easier this time last year.
Stephen died on December 7th and I don’t really remember much of the 3 -4 months that followed. I was inconsolable and totally immersed in my grief. Nothing intruded – not the need for food, personal hygiene, my job, holidays, birthdays, or other commitments; these things never even entered my mind. My world consisted of grieving, crying, remembering and sleeping. It was unimaginable, but I had no idea how much harder things would become.
After I decided that I wanted to live, it took all my strength to get through a day – one minute at a time. I was consumed with figuring out how to “do” daily life: return to my job, deal with obligations, interact with people and simply act normal. I struggled to care because it hurt so much; I just wanted it all to stop. This was the hardest thing I have ever done. I am thankful for the support and love from friends and family which kept me going as God continued to heal my heart.
I realize as I reflect on that time, that I succeeded in handling daily life but failed to figure out how to live.
I’m still not sure I have an answer, but I know what I don’t want:
-If I stay “in” my grief & live in the memories, I keep Stephen close to my heart, but I lose me.
-If I cram down the pain and try to get on with my life, then I am packing him away so, I lose him. And I’m living a lie, so I lose myself too.
Neither of these is an option. The only thing that I can do is make my life count so I can honor him and keep on living.
Now I just have to figure out what that looks like……..