what’s next?

In many ways, things were easier this time last year.   

Stephen died on December 7th and I don’t really remember much of the 3 -4 months that followed.  I was inconsolable and totally immersed in my grief. Nothing intruded – not the need for food, personal hygiene, my job, holidays, birthdays, or other commitments; these things never even entered my mind.  My world consisted of grieving, crying, remembering and sleeping.  It was unimaginable, but I had no idea how much harder things would become.

After I decided that I wanted to live, it took all my strength to get through a day – one minute at a time.   I was consumed with figuring out how to “do” daily life: return to my job, deal with obligations, interact with people and simply act normal.  I struggled to care because it hurt so much; I just wanted it all to stop. This was the hardest thing I have ever done.  I am thankful for the support and love from friends and family which kept me going as God continued to heal my heart.

I realize as I reflect on that time, that I succeeded in handling daily life but failed to figure out how to live.  

I’m still not sure I have an answer, but I know what I don’t want:

-If I stay “in” my grief & live in the memories, I keep Stephen close to my heart, but I lose me.

-If I cram down the pain and try to get on with my life, then I am packing him away so, I lose him.  And I’m living a lie, so I lose myself too.

Neither of these is an option.  The only thing that I can do is make my life count so I can honor him and keep on living.

Now I just have to figure out what that looks like……..

 

 

 

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3 thoughts on “what’s next?

  1. I recognize your sentiments and conclusions as my own. We have to both live and honor our sons by doing so. I have no idea how to do that either… maybe it isn’t whether we are actually able to reach that goal, but how much love we spread along the painful road. Sending gentle hugs to you ❤

  2. Maryann,
    Reading this I feel so close to you and at the same time so far from you. The pain you have felt is unimaginable. You are loved and you should do whatever you need to do for yourself. I know God is watching over you .
    Love,
    Laura

  3. It is a tough balance. You will find a way to honor him and not lose you. You will also discover what that looks like. My greatest fear was that Katie would be forgotten by others. But what I now realize that both Stephen and Katie were huge personalities, never to be forgotten. Even if it is unspoken, those who knew Stephen, will remember him. His daughter, being a part of him, will be a reminder(to many), of his incredible personality, sweetness, humor, and loving spirit. Thoughts and prayers to you during this time.

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