anticipating the tidal wave

I haven’t been able to write for the last 2 months. I had to slip back into life and be able to function.

So I slammed the door shut on the painful emotions and stayed far away from it.  I kept moving, and I kept cramming down the pain (not very healthy, by the way).  I just couldn’t take the chance that I would lose myself in the pain and cease to function – because I had committments to keep.  But, the longer I did this, the harder it was to keep cramming. 

Last night, we passed the intersection where my son was killed.  I pass it often when driving to church, the store or to visit friends. Usually I distract myself by holding my breath, saying a prayer, or closing my eyes – but this time was different.  

I was startled by a compelling vision of my son.  As I saw his face, I could actually feel the intensity of his vitality and his joy.  It was momentary, powerful, and deeply painful as I thought, “All of that is gone. I can no longer hold him.” 

The pain makes me want to crawl away, find a quiet place and cry. And, I can feel a tidal wave gathering as we get closer to December 7th.  I’m shocked to realize that almost 1 year has passed since the accident. 

Not sure how I will get through the next few weeks – his anniversary & the holidays.  But with God’s grace, I’ll keep moving forward. 

This song, Nothing Stops Another Day, speaks to me. If you follow the link, you can hear how beautifully it is sung:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G19h037A728&sns=em 

“I know I have to let go of the life I’ll never know,

hard as it may be. 

I’m trying to understand instead there’s another life ahead. 

Because the tallest mountain cannot stop the smallest stream,

Winter can’t hold back the spring, no matter how dark it may seem,

Come what may, nothing stops another day

 Because the world keeps turning and I guess it always will,

I can choose to turn around, or I can choose to just stand still.  Either way, nothing stops another day

  Lyrics from “Nothing Stops Another Day”

 

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