soul shattering

Losing a child has been described as a “soul shattering nightmare.”  It actually feels like a war.  I’m fighting to gather back every piece myself… all of those bits that flew in a million different directions.   I need those because I’m trying to put myself back together.

Just after he died, sweet memories of my son comforted me.  But they cut much too deeply – like jagged-edged jewels.  Over time, they’ve become easier to look at and hold close.  

There are days when I can’t find the memories, hear his voice, or see his face.  Other days, there are no words – all I can manage is to sit and stare.  It is comforting, but a bit startling to look up, see darkness and realize that 6 hours passed.

lyrics to a song by Sara Bareilles perfectly captures these feelings: 

“No words, My tears won’t make any room for more, And it don’t hurt like anything I’ve ever felt before, this is no broken heart, No familiar scars, This territory goes uncharted…

Each day, countin’ up the minutes, till I get alone, ’cause I can’t stay In the middle of it all, it’s nobody’s fault, but I’m so low, never knew how much I didn’t know,  Oh, everything is uncharted.  I know I’m getting nowhere, when I only sit and stare like…I’m going down..”    Uncharted by Sara Bareilles

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6 thoughts on “soul shattering

  1. i’m so glad i found your blog, this was a great entry!! i lost my only sibling to suicide, i did not lose a child. but many of the same emotions are so universal; i feel like i’m a shell of who i once was and am also trying to piece myself back together. but when a huge piece is missing, it isn’t easy to know how exactly to put it back together so it’ll still make sense. 😦 i’m going to share your page with my mom, too… she’s been struggling to find support from others who understand. thank you!!

  2. I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I, too, lost my son Matthew just over 2 and a half years ago. Like you, I have found myself writing through my grief. Please know there are others out there holding you in their thoughts and prayers.

  3. One of the reasons I started my blog was to find language for the unsayable. I’m so lost and disconnected without my son; I am trying to tell my story because I need to connect with you all. So sorry, so very, very sorry, for your loss and suffering.

  4. I’ve just discovered your blog. I’m so sorry that your son was taken so suddenly and so young. I’ve added your blog to my site http://www.scoop.it/t/grief-and-loss, which I’ve been curating in memory of my 23 year old son who was killed 55 weeks ago. The site is for bereaved parents and siblings and consists of blogs, videos, articles, and anything else that might be helpful to bereaved parents and siblings.

  5. Never, ever, could I put into words those very feelings. Your words come so close to describing the exquisite pain experienced with the death of a son or daughter.
    The deeper the love, the greater the intensity of the pain.
    Love and prayers to you

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